Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
