You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
