My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
