Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
we should paint friendship bongs
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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