I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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