Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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