i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
