Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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