A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
