If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
