Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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