Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
