Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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