so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
