Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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