Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
ugly people sure do ruin things
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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