Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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