end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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