he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You may now shotgun with the bride
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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