I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
