The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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