pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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