hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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