never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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