i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
