I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
