He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
