I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Barsexuality is the new black.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
