you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
