So drunk its hurt
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
