Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Randomize
