just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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