At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
