Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
