just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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