She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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