Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
