Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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