i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize