Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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