If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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