Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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