he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize