Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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