I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
