i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
this is an emotional support booty call
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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