Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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