I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
