i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
