I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
