I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
