shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
