Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
