Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
