My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
is it fun? or sober?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize