when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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