Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
