textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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