You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
