ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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