yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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